Is it difficult..?
Is it difficult to put a fake smile on face when each and every bone of your body is breaking down, when your heart is shouting at the top of it’s voice, when your body and soul are not cooperating with your brain, when you are fighting with yourself in your head, when the skin of every body part is burning like hell.
Maybe you don’t know, because you are not me. You haven’t gone through what I have. You are the ones that belong to the group of people who were laughing on me, pointing out on me, accusing me, when my body suffered like hell. You don’t know… Anything…!!!
“1st year Classroom- B.A English Honors-Room no. 215.”
I looked upon the board, on the wall near the reception. I lost my way several times finding the class, but I dared not to ask anyone about the directions. Because I am coward, coward to talk to people, coward to even look in their eyes, when I try to do so, I only find hatred for me. Like they are mocking on me, for the way I dress, the way I walk, the way I ‘do not talk’ , the way I try avoiding eye-catching with someone, or even the way I exist. Like my existence is the only item in their mocking stock.
Finally found my room, I sat on the second last bench at the extreme corner. I looked around, everyone was in groups, introducing themselves, making friends. I sat there alone.
“Hi, I am Illiana. Can I sit?” A pretty girl wearing shorts, and a crop top, perfectly straight hair and sports shoes. She looked like a model with her desirable figure and height.
I picked up my bag from the seat besides me, giving her a space to sit. Although I wanted to be alone but I can’t even utter the word ‘No’ .
She tried to introduce herself several times, talking about this and that. But all this conversation was just one-sided. She must be thinking how rude I am. What can I do. I can’t talk.
I was literally counting seconds in my head, waiting for the professor to come.
I reached at 594, when prof. William opened the door of the class. He hurriedly started with the attendance. This was the part which freaked me out. How the hell am I going to say, ‘yes professor’, in the room full of 60 students.
My hands started shaking, my heartbeats were running a marathon. I was dying inside. My throat was burning, my head was about to explode. I thought I will not speak, then after the class I will ‘try’ to talk to professor to mark my attendance.
”HAYAT UZUN” prof. William announced.
My breathing stopped.
“Is Hayat present?” He asked again. As no one will miss the first day at college.
He was about to move on when Illiana saw my notebook lying on the table with my name on it.
“She is Hayat” she shouted while pointing her finger at me.
For me it was like the world has come to an end. I wasn’t able to breathe. I was choking I side. My skin was turning pale.
“Standup” he shouted, probably angry about my behavior of silence.
I stood up at my place, my legs were shaking, I fixed my gaze on my shoes. I tried to disconnect myself from the world. I started admiring and describing my shoes.
“Are you Hayat Uzun?” He asked again .
My shoes were black, perfectly round at the tip. The sole was also very comfortable. My shoe laces were making a perfect bow on my left leg, the right one…
“I am saying something to you miss, can’t you speak!?” He shouted again, this time louder with much more anger. The whole class was looking at me, mocking at my inability.
“Why are you not speaking?” Illiana said.
Well, yeah right, it was easy for you of course. You are normal… I am not. ‘No’ speaking’… Eh… I would if I could. I wanted to slap her at the very moment. Why can’t people just let go of me. Let me be as I am.
” Okay wait… Are you deaf and dumb..!! Oh I am sorry, I usually get information from the office about student’s with physical disability. But I didn’t get yours.” Professor said, this time very politely, searching the papers lying on his table. He confused my stubbornness and fear with physical disability.
I was still standing, Being in the limelight with 60 pairs of eyes on me.
“Let me go to the office and ask about this” he said.
NO…NO…NO…!!!! Shit… I have to speak now, I am not deaf or dumb. I have to… I must…
” I can” I said in an instant. Loudly.
“I can speak. I am sorry” I said again, lowering my voice. Everyone started laughing. Prof. Got offended .
“Is this a joke?? How dare you.. do you even know how much time you have wasted.??? Don’t you have self-respect or respect for your teachers?? ” He shouted endlessly, for around 10 minutes, and well I deserve that.
Finally I sat down, well what a great start of the day. Even though the topic was over, people were still looking at me, whispering to each other, I could hear my name hundreds of time. I know they were talking about me, looking at me, I was nervous, melting from inside.
Finally everything got over, people stopped talking, looking , making jokes. But there was one… This one guy. Still looking at me. But it was different, I did not saw hatred, or mocking look in his eyes. There was something else, everytime I look at him, he was gazing into my eyes. I avoided contact, but I could still feel his eyes upon me. His look was different, it was like he was trying to find the secret of my strange behavior. He was trying to decode my language of silence. That’s the thing that gave me shivers, I was having Goosebumps. I tried to look at him from the corner of my eyes, this time there was a slight smile on his face. Who was he.
“NEIL WILSON” Prof. Said, still taking the attendance.
“Present sir” He said
This time I looked at him, properly.
He was very smart. Well build body, with a perfect height, light blue eyes, black hair coming down on his forehead. Wearing a dark blue jeans with a shirt that fitted perfectly on his muscles.
“OMG.. isn’t he cute, I have heard many girls have crush on him. He’s so famous here because his father is the trustee of this college and he is an amazing football player… I am surely going to ask him out” Illiana Said.
I throw a questioning look, as to know who was she talking about.
“Neil Wilson.. duh..!! Don’t you know him.” She returned a look of sympathy and a tone like ‘hah… Looser.’
Throughout the lecture he was looking at me… With different excuse everytime.
I was afraid… What does he want… Why is he looking at me…!!!
The class got over… I came out from there as fast as I could because everyone was commenting one me.
I was walking in the corridor alone… When I felt like someone was following me. I increased my speed, hold my books more close to my chest now.
“Hayat…!” I heard a male voice from my back…. I turned…. It was Neil…
*to be continued…